How Attachment Theory Underestimates Children’s Abilities

Attachment Theory’s Emphasis on Soothing Children

One of the main focuses of attachment theory is the importance of soothing children. Soothing children by being promptly responsive to their distress is seen as a vital ingredient to a healthy attachment between parent and child and to the child’s ability to be regulated and confident (Bowlby 1988; Shaver et al., p. 1603). Not doing so is seen as detrimental to children’s mental health and the parent-child bond. 

This emphasis on soothing children and the serious consequences of not doing so carries with it an underlying assumption that children are very fragile and dependent, rather than capable of regulating some of their own distress from a young age. However, this doesn’t seem to align with research on children’s capacities and healthy parent-child relationships. 

Research on Soothing Children

For instance, one longitudinal study by Tronick & Gianino (1986) found that among healthy parent-child relationships (with infants as young as 3 months) the caregivers and their infants were out of synch with one another 70% of the time–and during these times, the infants had many self-regulation strategies that they were able to use successfully to soothe themselves. So according to this study, even young infants can self-soothe–and do so the majority of the time–and it doesn’t harm them or their attachment to the caregiver. Not only does it not harm infants and young children to self-soothe, but it seems to be an important ingredient to a healthy relationship, as these infants and caregivers had healthy relationships with one another. 

Additionally, there have been numerous research studies that have demonstrated that even infants as young as 3 months can self-soothe some of the time, utilizing techniques such as orienting attention away from a distressing stimulus, using lip smacking and thumb sucking to self-soothe, using deep breathing and yawning, tactile stimulation, and approach and avoidance (Crockenberg et al., 2004; Ekas et al., 2012; Rothbart et al., 1992; Sheese et al., 2009).

Similarly, another longitudinal study found that it is actually unhealthy for parents to be over-focused on soothing their children–that children who were soothed the most did not experience the normal ups and downs of day-to-day life, so they did not become inoculated to stress (Geeraerts et al., 2020). As a result, they were more stressed out during the day and, due to not practicing regulating their own distress, had less inner capacity to calm themselves down. Similarly, studies have found that overinvolvement between parents and children is related to children’s difficulty self-regulating and practicing self-control (Cui et al., 2019; Jiao & Cui, 2024). Furthermore, a meta-analytic study found that what was important to helping children learn to self-regulate was not being soothed by their caregivers, but having caregivers who could confidently uphold limits (Karreman et al., 2006).

Delayed Responsiveness

Additionally, multiple studies have shown that it is not prompt responsiveness, but rather delayed responsiveness that helps decrease infant crying in the first year of life and support their self-soothing (Bilgin & Wolke, 2020; Giesbrecht et al, 2020; Gradisar, 2016; Kahn, 2023; van Ijzendoorn & Hubbard, 2000). Similarly, multiple studies have shown that parents who are able to tolerate their infants’ distress rather than responding immediately better support their infants’ self-soothing (Burnham et al., 2002; Kahn et al., 2020; Sadeh et al., 2016).

And, many studies have found that perfect responsiveness to infants is associated with insecure attachment, and moderate responsiveness is ideal for promoting secure attachment (Beebe, 2010; Belsky et al. 1984; Isabella and Belsky, 1991; Jaffe et al, 2001; Lewis and Feiring, 1989; Maletasta et al., 1989). Research also points to the need for infants to experience some distress in order to learn to tolerate the discomfort and learn to self-regulate (Arnsten, 2009; Blair et al., 2017; Geerearts et al., 2020; Lyons et al., 2009; Parker et al, 2005; Tang et al, 2006; Ursache et al., 2013).

Evolution and Children’s Resilience

Attachment theory is largely based in evolutionary theory, suggesting that children evolved to seek out proximity with their caregivers to find comfort. However, evolutionary scientists have criticized the theory for not aligning with evolutionary theory and underestimating children’s abilities. For instance, Robert Hinde, an evolutionary theorist whose ideas served as the basis for many of the ideas in attachment theory, found the theory to be lacking in its interpretations. He suggested that the idea that children would seek out proximity to relieve their distress at all costs was not plausible, Rather, he thought that natural selection would “favour individuals with a range of potential styles from which they select appropriately” (Hinde, 1982, p. 71).

Similarly, another evolutionary scientist, Judith Harris, suggested that attachment theory underestimates children’s abilities. She said, “The problem with elaborations of attachment theory is attachment theory itself. How would a mind that works the way the theory posits have increased its owner's fitness in hunter-gatherer times? The child's mind is more capacious and discerning than attachment theorists give it credit for” (p. 30).

Bowen Theory’s Viewpoint on Soothing Children

In contrast to Attachment theory, Bowen family systems theory does not underestimate children and does not over-emphasize the need for parents to soothe them. It recognizes that even young infants are capable of meeting some of their own needs, and that doing too much soothing can create a pattern of dependency that limits the ability of the child to learn to function more autonomously (Kerr & Bowen, 1988). 

Instead, it emphasizes the need for parents to step back and learn how to not always soothe their children’s distress. It views this as one of the main challenges of parenting, as parents have a very strong caregiving instinct which makes them anxious about their children’s well-being. It is wired into parents at an evolutionary and biological level to ensure their children survive–so it can be very automatic to seek to relieve our own anxiety by smoothing everything over for our children. 

Being more thoughtful about our responses can allow us as parents to determine when to offer emotional support and when to step back and allow our children to experience some distress so that they can learn to tolerate their own anxiety. This ultimately requires parents to focus on calming themselves down rather than over-focusing on calming their children down. As parents do this, they can act in a way that is balanced and offers children what they truly need–which is often more space to handle things on their own. 

Balance for Parents and Children

This is of course beneficial to children, helping them to develop to be autonomous in their functioning and confident due to becoming stronger and more capable. But this also benefits parents as well. They will no longer feel guilty when they can’t be constantly available to their children’s emotional “needs,” trusting instead that a normal, balanced relationship with their children is not only good enough, but what is most needed. 

Additionally, as parents begin to see their children flourishing and growing into their capabilities, this will calm their fears about their children. They will begin to trust that their children truly aren’t harmed when given space to self-soothe and will be able to let go of the heavy burden of feeling responsible for children’s happiness, and instead, to feel the relief of knowing children can manage things well on their own–and are truly happier when given space to do so. 

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