Reset

The first step toward more balance in parenting is reset. The purpose of reset is to rebalance your relationship with your child to help alleviate overwhelm, excessive guilt, and burnout and to support your child’s self-reliance and independence. This step is made up of the sub-steps 1) upholding your autonomy, 2) respecting your child’s autonomy, and 3) balancing support. 

Uphold Your Autonomy

First, you can uphold your autonomy first by learning to pay attention to signals within yourself that your autonomy is being threatened. Instead of reacting to this by either ignoring it or becoming angry and conflictual, try to use this as helpful information to inform how you go forward. Look at the interaction with your child thoughtfully and ask yourself if the child is expressing a realistic need or if their actions reflect an unrealistic need that perhaps was programmed through an imbalance relationship with you. Use this to determine if you need to meet a need in the child or if you can uphold your boundaries calmly and firmly by not meeting excessive expectations of the child, but expecting them to meet their own need. This may look like expecting the child to self-soothe or to find a way to occupy themself. 

Respect Your Child’s Autonomy

Second, you can respect your child’s autonomy. At the core of this step is the acceptance within yourself that you can only control your own reactions to the child, not the child. You can influence a more positive relationship with your child through relating to the child in a mature way that respects their autonomy, but if you try to control the child, you are likely to intrude on the child’s autonomy and invite an immature reaction back from them, like rebellion or conformity. In either case, the child’s development of their own separate identity is slowed, as they will be distracted by your intrusion on their boundaries and not free to develop their identity. They will be focused on you, not free to discover and develop their own separate identity.

Balance Support

Third, you can balance support by controlling your own anxiety related to the child’s difficulties. Parents have an inherent, evolved drive to protect and care for their young, and when a parent is anxious, this can make it difficult to tone down the urge to overprotect and overfunction for children. Rather than acting automatically, take a step back and calm yourself, and determine thoughtfully how much support your child truly needs. Offering more than what is truly needed does not help the child but contributes to a pattern of the child becoming dependent on the parent. This inadvertently limits the child from having their need for individuality met, as they remain an emotional appendage to their parents. They may pressure you to continue to meet their excessive needs and to overfunction for them, as this is often more comfortable for them in the short run. However, in the long run, they will be happier and more mentally strong if they are expected to function to their fullest capacity, as they will grow to be independent and capable. They won’t feel insecure, anxious, and incompetent, but will feel prepared to face the world.