Redefine

The final step is for parents to redefine their identities and their relationship with their child. This includes the sub-steps 1) redefine your identity, and 2) support your child’s identity development. 

Redefine Your Identity

First, parents redefine their identities by shifting from an external focus on getting immature togetherness needs met, and instead focus internally. This means that they let go of their need for others’ attention, praise, and approval, not letting these immature emotional needs have the driver’s seat when it comes to their relationships and personal goals. Instead, they strive to develop a more solid self by discovering what their intrinsic principles and beliefs are and following personal goals that are meaningful to them. This can help them to relate to others as an individual rather than a pseudo self (someone who just goes along with others to get acceptance or automatically rejects others’ opinions because of emotional reasons). This also allows them to pursue intrinsic goals that are more meaningful and fulfilling rather than following goals that others want them to do or just to get praise. 

Support Child’s Identity

Second, parents redefine their relationship with their child, and in so doing, can help to support the child’s development of a strong identity. This means that parents focus on overcoming their codependent needs with the child. They no longer try to use the child as an extension of themself to fill their immature needs for togetherness. They don’t need the child to be successful to feel good about themself and instead have a more balanced relationship with the child. As a result, the child is not programmed to have excessive togetherness needs, needing to be successful in the eyes of others to feel valuable. They will be free to determine their own life goals instead of trying to do what the parent wants them to do to get their approval. They will also avoid the pattern of reactively rebelling against what the parent wants them to do and be by becoming the exact opposite. They will be able to thoughtfully and calmly reflect on themself and grow a strong identity of their own. This will help the child to follow intrinsically meaningful life goals and to relate well to others in their relationships, able to respect and uphold boundaries.