Principle 1: Mutual Respect for Autonomy

Calm Emotional Environment

The overarching idea of this principle is that when parents and children can respect each other’s autonomy, it allows for a calm and non-threatening emotional environment—which tends to allow connection to emerge as a result. This idea is unique, as attachment theory (today’s most popular parenting theory) does not include this idea, only suggesting that parents respect children’s autonomy. Parents are seen as needing to always accept children’s dependency even when children’s needy and demanding behavior is threatening to them.

The need for a mutual respect for autonomy arises because even parent-child relationships need balance. If a parent-child relationship lacks a mutual respect for autonomy, it is an imbalanced type of codependency, in which one person regularly lets others intrude on their boundaries. This doesn’t help the relationship to be healthy or genuinely connected, but makes it anxious, threatening, and likely to become distant or conflictual.

This also doesn’t help children—they come to develop an excessive dependency on others and an inability to function autonomously, needing a relationship to complete their “self.” This makes their identity less developed, which can lead to insecurity and anxiety when not getting their excessive togetherness needs met. This also contributes to them forming codependent relationships later in life, which are also highly susceptible to becoming distant and conflictual. 

And last but not least—it is very damaging to parents to ignore their needs for autonomy and to suggest that they can’t uphold boundaries when children are intrusive. It is extremely overwhelming and exhausting to be in this position, and is not likely to invite calm and consistent parenting. It is likely to make parents burnt out, unfulfilled, and unhappy. And parents deserve to be happy!

The Emotional System

Now that we understand the gist of this principle, let’s dive into the theory behind it. This principle stems from Bowen Family Systems theory, a main family therapy theory. Specifically, it stems from its idea of the “emotional system.” According to the theory, relationships are emotional systems. When we call relationships systems, we are implying that each person in the relationship is both influencing the system and being influenced by it. People often see their relationships in cause and effect ways–they usually focus on what others are doing to them, not how they are also influencing others. They may also blame themselves too much, not recognizing others’ parts in the system that are influencing their behavior. 

Systems thinking invites a higher ground perspective that defies cause-and-effect thinking, inviting a more complete understanding that recognizes the interactive emotional dance that tends to play out in our closest relationships. It helps people to avoid blaming others or themselves and fosters the understanding that each person has a powerful influence on the system, and therefore, can truly invite positive change when they learn to change their part in unhelpful patterns. 

In the context of parenting, this means that both parents and children influence the relationship balance. In Bowen theory, parents are seen as the leaders in the system—so they are seen as bearing the responsibility to lead the system to greater balance. The children are not expected to make the first changes. As parents focus on calming their own reactions and respecting the child’s boundaries and upholding their own, this invites different responses from the child. This can help create a sort of ripple effect where the child is influenced and is able to function in healthier ways. 

Emotional Energy

Another important aspect of emotional systems is that they are regulated by emotional forces. These forces stem from people’s emotional reactions to one another. People contribute to these forces through putting out “emotional stimuli,” which is the emotional energy that is communicated through people’s tone of voice, body posture, facial expressions, and words they say to one another. 

This emotional energy then goes out into the emotional atmosphere of the relationship, feeding others’ reactions. If the emotional energy mostly signals acceptance, then this will be calming to others. But if the emotional energy mostly signals rejection, this is often threatening, and invites emotional reactions from others that can include distancing and becoming conflictual. 

Individuality and Togetherness

The emotional energy that people seem to be most intensely reactive to often revolves around togetherness and individuality. Feeling rejected threatens togetherness needs, and feeling accepted meets togetherness needs. Similarly, people are very intensely reactive to any sign of being controlled or intruded upon, as this threatens individuality needs. 

The powerful needs for individuality and togetherness can create emotional forces of togetherness and individuality that then regulate the reactions of those in the relationship system. A togetherness force can look like one person pressuring another to meet their excessive togetherness needs, perhaps acting in demanding, intrusive ways, pressuring them to always offer their attention, involvement, support, and agreement. This togetherness force is likely to impinge on the others’ individuality. People often react to this with their fight or flight instincts, either by distancing to protect their individuality, or by becoming conflictual or rebellious. 

Do you see how this could play out in a parent-child relationship, especially if the parent never upholds their autonomy because they think doing so will somehow harm the child? If this becomes the pattern, a parent is likely to feel very threatened by the child. They may deny this and try to continue to connect with the child, but this tends to be a forced type of connection that is not genuine. The parent’s individuality will be threatened and their survival instincts will kick in, leading them to withdraw internally. Children tend to notice this and to feel less connected to their parents. So ultimately, when parents deny their individuality they aren’t doing their children any favors. 

The Individuality Force

So what do parents do instead? The answer is simple—embrace your autonomy. Allow yourself to have boundaries with your child and then see what happens. If the theory is correct in its predictions, your child will adjust to the change in the system and begin to take more responsibility for their own happiness and better respect your autonomy. This won’t happen immediately—they will test your limits and see if you really mean it. But as you hold firm, you will likely see your relationship coming to be more balanced and non-threatening, and therefore, more genuinely connected. 

Some people think it is individualistic for Bowen theory to emphasize people’s individuality needs, criticizing it for teaching “rugged individualism,” which is about going off on one’s own and cutting ties from others in order to be more independent. But this is not what Bowen theory teaches. Yes, it teaches that people have individuality needs and should embrace them. However, it also teaches that following one’s drive for individuality is often not easy or natural; that it requires responsible individuality, which looks like respecting others’ boundaries, staying emotionally present in the face of relationship tension, and communicating openly about one’s principles.

Responsible Individuality

It is easier for people to reactively distance from others or become conflictual to protect their individuality. But this is not true individuality—this is reacting to uncomfortable togetherness, not following one’s individuality drive. Following one’s individuality drive can also be difficult in that having high togetherness needs can trump people’s drive for individuality, leading them to be externally driven in their relationships and goals, seeking others’ approval and acceptance to give them a sense of “self.” 

So even if a person seems to be an independent individual, seemingly not needing a relationship and following individual goals, the opposite could actually be true. They may be distancing from others and avoiding relationships because they cannot stay emotionally present and communicate openly. And they may be following extrinsically motivated personal goals, seeking praise and glory. 

Truly, being a responsible individual is not easy or individualistic. It includes many pro-social behaviors—respecting others, being less selfish, and communicating calmly and openly. And it also includes respecting oneself enough to have boundaries, which is also difficult. Not only does it mean that others might reject you (threatening your togetherness needs) but as parents, we of course worry that upholding boundaries with our kids will somehow harm them. 

Benefits of Mutual Respect

But according to Bowen theory, the exact opposite is true—children do better when parents have boundaries and invite a mutual respect for autonomy in their relationships. It brings about a balance of autonomy and connection in the relationship that helps the child to develop a greater sense of self and to be able to function autonomously—which helps them to be happier and more confident. Additionally, it helps parents and children to feel calm around one another, and therefore, to enjoy genuine connection. And of course it helps parents to meet their individuality needs and to enjoy greater personal peace and balance. All around, mutual respect for autonomy is great for everyone.