Principle 4: Improving Couple Relationships

Something unique about Balanced Parenting is that, although it's technically a parenting approach, one of its goals is to get parents to focus less directly on improving their parenting and to put their focus elsewhere. This is the case of course for this principle, which emphasizes the importance of learning to be more mature in the context of one’s couple relationship. This may seem like it is separate from parenting, but according to Bowen family systems theory, a main family therapy theory, couple relationship problems are often the underlying root problems that create problems in parenting. 

It recognizes that in order to move past parenting challenges, you can’t just focus on the simplistic behavioral change that is found in trying out new parenting techniques because this ignores the deeper issues making it so hard to parent in balanced, calm ways. But if the context that creates parenting challenges is recognized and addressed, the natural result will be improved parenting. Therefore, the goal of this principle is to help parents get away from an over-focus on superficial parenting techniques and move toward a focus on resolving the underlying couple relationship issues that are at the root of their most difficult parenting challenges. 

The Triangle

So how exactly do couple relationship issues spill over into parenting? This question is answered with Bowen theory’s concept of the triangle. The main idea of this concept is that relationships are more easily maintained when they include three people. Two-person relationships more easily break down because the anxiety of the relationship has less room to spread out. A triangle is a mechanism people use so they can spread this anxiety around more rather than having to fix things in a healthy, mature way–which usually means fixing things one-on-one with someone through open, respectful communication. 

This is not easy to do–so many times, the answer for people is to utilize the triangle. They do so by focusing on a third party–pretty much to distract themselves from the problems in their relationship. This usually involves a two-against one dynamic, with two insiders in the triangle and one outsider in the triangle. When anxiety arises in the two-person relationship, they can keep things calm between them by negatively (or positively) focusing on a third person. 

The Primary Triangle

In Bowen theory, the triangle between a child and their parents is referred to as the primary triangle, and is seen as extremely influential in their development. The triangle starts with an unsatisfying couple relationship between the parents in which each person’s immature needs for togetherness create anxiety and distance in the relationship. To cope with this, typically one parent will get their needs met through an over-focus on the child (typically the mother) and the other parent will get their needs met through work or other activities (typically the father). 

This arrangement allows them to take the pressure off of each other to meet their immature needs, allowing the anxiety of the relationship to spread out. In this example, there are many different variations of how the triangle can play out an create issues for parents and children. 

Two Insiders and an Outsider

One example of this is when mother and child are insiders in the triangle and the father is the outsider. When the mother and the child’s codependent relationship becomes anxious and tense, the anxiety gets offloaded onto the father who becomes the bad guy. This is likely to happen when the child is not respecting the mother’s boundaries, the father disciplines the child in an overly strict way, and the mother becomes overprotective of the child and blames the father–and the child blames the father as well. In this example, the mother and child are able to maintain their immature relationship by negatively focusing on the father. 

Positively Over-Focusing on a Child

Another parenting example is when both parents are positively over-focused on the child, getting their immature needs met in the child’s successes. This may not sound that bad–however, it can create problems down the road for the child as they are likely to become dependent on an intense level of positive over-focus from others. They will need others’ praise and approval to feel they have value, and their identity will come to be built upon external validation and attention. Lacking a solid identity can leave them feeling anxious and depressed whenever they feel they have failed to shine in the eyes of others. 

Negatively Over-Focusing on a Child

Another triangle pattern that frequently emerges in parenting is that parents will avoid issues between them by seeing the problem in the child. They negatively over-focus on the child, blaming them for the family’s issues, rather than seeing the way the child’s behavior issues were influenced by the parent’s own immature ways of relating to them. The child is likely to feel a great deal of shame and to develop symptoms due to carrying the anxiety of the family. 

Going to Extremes

Within the triangle, parents typically will occupy very extreme, opposite parenting styles. As was mentioned earlier, this often includes one parent playing out the role of the permissive, overprotective parent who tries to fix the child with “love” (which really means no boundaries) and the other parent occupying the role of the authoritarian, strict parent who tries to fix the child with control. Each parent becomes more extreme in their parenting style due to judging each other’s parenting style and reactively trying to compensate for the others’ failures. 

By focusing on each other, they remain blind to their own imbalanced parenting style, and the unhealthy triangle pattern continues, with the child never receiving balanced, calm parenting, instead getting a mix of permissive parenting and authoritarian parenting. This keeps the child from learning to act maturely from “self.” They don’t develop much “self” of their own because they are trained to be reactive. 

Children’s Development of “Self”

With the permissive parent, they are trained to need a great deal and to not have the capacity to handle discomfort and to tolerate their own anxiety–they grow reliant on the overinvolved, codependent nature of the relationship, thereby developing excessive togetherness needs of their own. They feel controlled by their needs and are only happy and calm when the relationship can meet these needs. In this way, they don’t have much “self,” instead having a very relationship-dependent “self.” 

And, when they receive authoritarian parenting, they can come to develop in a couple different ways. One is that they can come to have a very reactive “self,” typically putting their energy into being different from their parents and trying to find a sense of control in their lives–this can often look like the typical rebel posture. Their identity is defined in reaction to others, not from a calm place of truly thinking about who they want to be. The other way this manifests is that the child will come to be like a chameleon, conforming to the parents’ wishes to please them and find identity in their approval. In this way, they also don’t develop an identity of their own because their identity is not based on what they want but on what the parents want. 

Becoming a true “self” requires that parents allow the child to develop to be separate from them, which requires that they get beyond treating the child like an emotional appendage, whether this means being very permissive and positively over-focused on the child or whether this means being overly controlling of the child. 

Recognition of the Triangle

Recognizing the influence of the triangle helps parents to see the way their own reactivity to each other is driving their parenting styles. This can help them to trust that if they change their part in the pattern to parent in more balanced ways, it helps the other parent to be more balanced as well. They can trust that the only truly productive way forward is to focus inward on their own immature reactions. 

For the permissive parent, this can mean having a more balanced relationship with the child and upholding more limits and boundaries, as well as not becoming overprotective of the child in response to the other parent. And for the authoritarian parent this can look like taking responsibility for their realistic parenting role in the child’s life rather than distancing into other activities. Additionally, it can look like upholding their boundaries calmly when the mother and child blame them–rather than becoming overly angry and authoritarian. 

Improving the Relationship

Another important way to decrease the influence of the triangle pattern is for parents to work on growing their relationship. If parents feel more connected and calm with one another, it will make it a lot easier to be patient and forgiving of each other’s parenting and to focus on their own growth rather than blaming each other. It also helps them to lessen their over-focus on the children or on other activities, as their relationship will feel connected and close, thus meeting their connection needs. 

Increasing Individuality

So how do parents go about improving their relationship? Bowen theory has a rather unique view on this. It suggests that a focus on increasing connection in the relationship often doesn’t really work, as relationships tend to fall apart not because people are not focused on connection enough, but because they have immature togetherness needs and can’t respect each other’s boundaries. Relationships typically start out because people are both fulfilled by the relationship–they can complete their “self” in each other’s attention, involvement, and approval. In this way, the relationship is able to meet both of their immature togetherness needs simultaneously. 

This is what we all the honeymoon period. It tends to not last very long, especially when a couple is facing stressful circumstances–like having kids, pursuing challenging educational paths or careers, facing financial difficulties, etc. These things make people more stressed and often more needy and demanding in their relationships–they also take people away from being able to meet each other’s needs as much in the relationship. This then creates a situation where people’s immature togetherness needs are now not only not met in the relationship, but creating tension. People pressure one another to make them happy, and when other obligations make this impossible, the relationship becomes anxious–resulting in a lack of respect for boundaries and ensuing conflict and distance. 

Building Maturity

So if you trace all of this back to the beginning, it all started with a lack of strong identity in each person. They each had a relationship-dependent identity, and when life was easy, they could gain “self” in the relationship and feel very much “in love.” But when life happened, they all of a sudden felt their “self” threatened. The other person can’t complete them through constant affirmation, attention and validation. And their individuality starts to be threatened by the other person acting in needy, demanding, controlling, or intrusive ways. 

So the answer Bowen theory provides for improving couple relationships is actually for people to focus on growing their own identities and emotional maturity–to learn how to take responsibilty for their own happiness. This involves a great deal of focusing on tolerating one’s own anxiety and learning how to self-regulate rather than leaning on others to calm us down. This means letting go of the need to control others and to admit one’s own part in the relationship challenges. It means letting go of blame and humbling oneself. This is really hard–but according to Bowen theory, there is no shortcut to a healthy relationship. You really do have to be uncomfortable and get comfortable with not getting everything you feel you need all of the time. You have to accept responsibility for yourself. 

Reversing the Cycle

The good news is that when you do so, you begin a beautiful journey that not only benefits yourself and brings you a happier, more fulfilling couple relationship–but it helps your child as well. It helps you to have a more balanced relationship with them, to help them to grow to be more mature and happy, and to develop a more complete identity themselves–so that they can go on to have happy and fulfilling relationships with their future partners and children. 

And as you do your own work, remember that you are shouldering generations of relationship dysfunction. You don’t need to feel shame or embarrassment for the part you have played in your relationships, but can see yourself as a chain-breaker. You are ending the cycle of dysfunctional codependency so that your children, and their children and so forth will not have to suffer. You are starting a chain of health, love, and happiness.