How Attachment Theory Ignores Parent Autonomy

Parents’ Need for Autonomy

The last thing on many parents’ mind is their own needs for autonomy–today’s parents are often very focused on their children’s needs. It is common for parents to even feel selfish when considering their own needs. 

However, Bowen family systems theory recognizes that when parents meet their own needs for autonomy by having boundaries with their children and allowing themselves space to engage in meaningful individual activities, they not only help themselves, but they help their children as well (Kerr, 2019).

As parents release themselves from an overinvolved relationship with their child, they also free their child to be more autonomous, thus inadvertently meeting the child’s autonomy needs. In contrast, it predicts that overinvolvement with children is one of the main reasons children come to struggle. Therefore, as parents embrace their autonomy and seeking to have a balanced relationship with their child, this is truly in the child’s best interest.

Children’s Need for Autonomy

It may seem counterintuitive, but the view of Bowen theory is that parents actually meet children’s autonomy needs by not meeting children’s unrealistic “needs” for connection. They do so primarily by not becoming overinvolved with the child to begin with. 

But if the parent and child do end up overinvolved with one another and the child comes to be overly dependent on the parent, acting in very demanding ways and expecting an excessive amount of the parent’s attention, involvement, and support, then parents can still rebalance the relationship by upholding their own boundaries. This can help the child learn how to take more responsibility for their own happiness and to respect the parents’ boundaries. 

Attachment Theory Ignores Parent Autonomy

In contrast to Bowen theory, Attachment theory, today’s most popular parenting theory, ignores parents’ autonomy needs. It does recognize that children have needs for autonomy and that parents need to respect their children’s autonomy by not being overly controlling or intrusive. 

However, it does not recognize that parents also have autonomy needs and that children can come to be controlling and intrusive to parents. 

In this way, attachment theory is unidirectional–it focuses on the parent’s influence on the child, and not the child’s influence on the parent (Miller, 2023). As a result, it ignores the threat that a child’s needy and demanding behavior has on the parent’s autonomy.

Balancing Autonomy and Connection

Granted, it doesn’t ignore parental autonomy purposefully–it does so inadvertently because its conceptualization of “balance” in parent-child relationships is not actually balanced at all. Its only conceptualization of “balance” in the relationship is that the parent must balance meeting the child’s connection and autonomy needs–not that there needs to be a balance between the parent and child’s needs. 

A truly balanced conceptualization would be multidirectional, recognizing that both parents and children influence (and threaten) one another’s autonomy–and that it is therefore important for them to both respect one another’s autonomy. 

Imbalanced Relationships

If parents don’t expect children to respect their autonomy, the relationship is likely to become extremely imbalanced, with the parent coming to feel threatened by the child–and this is likely to lead the parent to distance into themselves–or worse, to become conflictual, abusive, or neglectful. 

Even if the parent is able to control their frustration, and even outwardly tries to continue to “connect” with the child, they will still feel threatened by the child, so the relationship will lack genuine connection. Parents may be in denial about this, but the simple truth is that its hard to feel genuinely connected to someone who consistently intrudes on your boundaries. 

When Neediness is Frustrating

Attachment theory suggests that parents may find their child’s neediness to be frustrating, but that this is merely how the child expresses their attachment needs, and therefore that parents should always accept dependency. The following quote from attachment theorists captures this view: 

“When [the caregiver] is not attending to him or her, the child often executes attachment behavior with the set-goal of regaining [their] attention. This adaptive behavior pattern is sometimes unappreciated in Western cultures, in which it is commonly seen as regressive or controlling ‘attention seeking’ and as frustrating to parents” (Marvin et al., 2015, p. 539).

This quote reveals that the priority of attachment theory is that parents meet children’s attachment needs, often at the expense of their own autonomy. Of course parenting often comes with the need to sacrifice one’s own needs to meet children’s needs–but there has to be some point when its okay for parents to uphold boundaries–when they truly have given enough, right? 

Always Give More

Not according to attachment theory. Even when parents feel that they have given enough of their involvement, attention, and support to their kids, if kids are still acting needy and demanding, attachment theory suggests that parents have not truly given enough and need to give more. They conceptualize needy and demanding behavior on part of the child as a sign that the child has an insecure attachment due to not getting their attachment needs met–and that the solution is for the parent to be more sensitive to their needs.

According to attachment theory, if the parent has truly given enough, then kids won’t be needy and demanding–they will feel confident enough to go off and be independent and autonomous. But what if this never happens? It doesn’t have an answer for this scenario, only ever saying that parents need to just give more to solve their children’s neediness. 

In this case, parents who truly have given enough could be expected to always give more–even if they find it frustrating and threatening to their own autonomy needs. There is no space for parental autonomy in this viewpoint. Rather, parents get the message that their autonomy doesn’t matter at all, and that to uphold boundaries and make some space for themselves (and their own sanity) is selfish and damaging to their child. 

Emotional Prisoners

In this scenario, parents are unlikely to achieve balance–they are likely to be caught in a toxic cycle of codependency, always giving more and it never being enough. This is not only exhausting to parents, but its also problematic for children. They are likely to come to be prisoners to their own excessive connection needs, not having any capacity to take responsibility for their own happiness. 

They become emotional appendages to their parents, completely incapable of autonomous functioning and emotional prisoners to their own immature needs. This is not likely to help children to be happy and confident.  

Finding Balance

Bowen family systems theory offers a different viewpoint. Its view of parent-child relationships is multidirectional, taking into account the needs of both parents and children. It recognizes that genuine connection and harmony in relationships requires balance–which is achieved through boundaries. 

Parents are seen as needing to decipher between children’s reality needs and excessive “needs” that have developed due to overinvolvement in the relationship–and then to uphold boundaries in response to  children’s excessive expectations. 

Children are seen as capable of self-regulating and tolerating their anxiety, even from a young age–and therefore capable of learning how to handle the discomfort of not always having their parents attention, involvement and emotional support. They are not seen as fragile and vulnerable, but capable of self-reliance. 

Freedom and Connection

The theory predicts that as parents promote balance with their children by upholding boundaries in response to needy and demanding behavior, they not only protect their own autonomy, but they protect the child’s autonomy as well. The child is freed from the tyranny of their excessive dependence on others, and can develop the capacity to take responsibility for their own happiness and to self-regulate. 

The theory predicts that this will also foster a harmonious and genuinely connected relationship between parent and child, because it promotes a calm and non-threatening emotional environment. Parent and child can respect one another’s boundaries, and therefore, can be calm in one another’s presence. And this allows connection to emerge as a natural result. This is the best case scenario for both parent and child–both get to experience genuine connection with each other and to be confident, free, and autonomous individuals.

References

Kerr, M.: (2019). Bowen theory's secrets: Revealing the hidden lives of families. Norton.

Marvin, R. S., Britner, P. A., & Russell, B. S. (2016). Normative development: The ontogeny of attachment in childhood. In Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (Eds.), Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications. (pp. 517-549). The Guilford Press.

Miller, E. A. (2023). The attachment versus differentiation debate: Bringing the conversation to parent–child relationships. Family Process, 62, 483–498. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12802