Bonding from an Evolutionary Perspective

Attachment theory, today’s most popular parenting theory, often incites biological facts as evidence for its ideas. One example of this is its use of the evolutionarily ingrained, biological existence of the drive for attachment as proof that children need a great deal of soothing and emotional support to correctly meet attachment needs, and that failing to do so causes an insecure attachment. 

Bowen family systems theory, a main family therapy theory, agrees that attachment is a strong biological drive and that infants have needs for stimulation, contact, and support. However, it has a different takeaway. Rather than emphasizing to parents that they need to focus a great deal on soothing and connecting with their infants and young children, it teaches that, because the drive for bonding in humans is evolutionary and wired into our biology, it will often come naturally and doesn’t require a strong focus. Parents have an instinctual drive to bond with and care for their young, and infants have an instinctual drive to bond with their caregivers. 

The fact that we have survived so long as a species is pretty good evidence that this trait is adaptive and good at its job–so the very fact that we have this evolutionary drive means that it doesn’t require us to focus on it. It will happen–and if you are anxious that it won’t happen and therefore overcompensate, it can even make it more difficult to bond with your baby or young child. Anxiety is not a great foundation for genuine connection. So when parents can calm themselves down and trust that they will be able to bond with their babies and young children–that they are not likely to cause them an insecure attachment–this can help them to be calm and connected. 

Evolutionary Science

Evolutionary scientist, Judith Rich Harris (2009) agrees that attachment theory’s interpretation of biological facts is lacking due to underestimating children’s evolved capabilities. She explains, “The problem with elaborations of attachment theory is attachment theory itself. How would a mind that works the way the theory posits have increased its owner's fitness in hunter-gatherer times? The child's mind is more capacious and discerning than attachment theorists give it credit for.”

Attachment theory paints a very non-resilient, vulnerable picture of what children are like, suggesting that they will be harmed if parents don’t give enough of their attention, involvement, and support–and that this will have long-lasting effects on their mental health. In contrast, Bowen theory paints a very different picture, suggesting that even from a young age, infants no longer are completely helpless–that after the first few months, they begin to grow away from their caregivers able to meet some of their own needs, such as soothing themselves. This paints infants and young children as much more capable and self-reliant than attachment theory suggests–and seems to align better with what Harris explains.

Implications for Parents

Understanding that attachment theory’s assumptions and claims are interpretations that don’t seem to align with the scientific facts can take some of the pressure off of parents. They can feel less anxious that they will cause an insecure attachment and metnal health issues in their kids if they don’t give enough of their attention, involvement and emotional support. Instead, they can trust in children’s inherent capabilities and realize that children aren’t as needy as they are being told. 

This can take the burden off of parents’ shoulders to meet children’s every emotional need, and to allow children space to learn to take responsibility for their own happiness. This can also help parents to feel calmer around their children, allowing genuine connection and natural affection to emerge. And of course, this can help children to grow toward their fullest potential and to feel confident in their abilities to manage some things for themselves.